It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

When I first opened my laptop to write this article, I planned for it to be happy and upbeat. But then I realized, “Hey Selina, you don’t feel happy and upbeat, so how are you supposed to write about being happy and upbeat?” Instead of being happy, I feel down, depressed, in pain, and quite frankly, I just want to crawl into a ball and cry. Actual photo documentation of me. The original purpose of this article was to discuss some of the silver linings of Hidradenitis Suppurativa, and one day that article will come out, but it’s not today. Because today I am not okay, and honestly, that’s okay.

Today, I am not okay

Living with a chronic illness can be absolutely horrible, then having to deal with it, on top of the stress of everything else in your life can just be completely devastating. So that’s currently where I am. Dealing with a flaring armpit (under my left armpit and directly on my surgery scar, like what even?) while dealing with a lot of stress and toxicity around me. Staying positive on days like this can be so hard, so some days my biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed. I haven’t even accomplished that today, though, because today I am not okay, and that’s okay.

It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and that’s something I keep trying to remind myself. Your feelings are yours and they are validated and undebatable to everyone else. If you want to stay in bed, you can. If you’re the type of person that wants to get up and push yourself to try to forget what you’re going through, you can do that too. Or if you want to just sit like a zombie and watch the Great British Bake Off for eight hours straight, well you can darn tootin’ do that also. This feeling of not being okay is just a funk, and you have to do what you want, and do what will make you feel better in order to get out of the funk.

Your mental health with HS is important!

We live in the social media world where people only flaunt their fabulous lives and I guess it has taken a toll on my mental health. It seems like everyone is okay and happy and living their best lives, and it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong when I’m just lying in bed moping and sad over my pain or anxiety and depression. It’s like I feel guilty for having feelings, and that shouldn’t be a thing! Your mental health is just as important as your physical health and it needs proper care and rest too.

So as I lay here in bed, moping and binge-watching the Great British Bake Off, I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to put yourself first and to distant yourself from toxic people and situations. You have to seriously do what’s best for you and you alone. There will be days when you’re happy and thriving and feeling great. But there will also be days where you’re down, depressed, in pain, and quite frankly, want to crawl into a ball and cry. Listen to your body and listen to your feelings. This is the only body you have, so take care of it and remember that honestly, it’s okay to not be okay.

PS: I thought it’d be fun to start including what I listen to while writing an article! I personally always thought it’d be so cool to know what my favorite authors listen to while writing because it can convey a lot about how they’re feeling or the tone of something. Maybe I can start a trend in the literary world! (Dear Leigh Bardugo, if you’re reading this, what do you listen to when writing?! K thanks. Love, Selina)

Songs listened to while writing:

• Danse Macabre, Op. 40 by Camille Saint-Saëns
• Whisper by Evanescence
• Serial Killer by Lana Del Rey
• I’ll Be Ok by McFly