Beauty Is Skin Deep

I was told my entire life I wasn't beautiful enough. I was too dark. My skin was too damaged. I wasn't going to be anything other than an extra in someone's movie. I would never be enough. Whether you're young or old, when you hear negative comments so often, it starts to feed your soul.

The impact of HS on self-confidence

As an actress, I wouldn't submit to casting calls for leading roles because that wasn't who I was destined to be.

All the "know your type books" say x-y-z is what a leading lady looks like. Those books and articles are commonly used by actresses to help them decide what types of gigs to submit to. How many of us have felt ugly or less desirable because of hidradenitis suppativa or any other disease or problem? I'm sure that covers us all to some degree or another.

I read post after post on my social media from men and women telling me they feel ugly or unlovable - that this is their lot in life. They cover up their scars under hot bulky sweaters and drift off to oblivion.

One lady told me, "I wish I had your confidence." Another said, "I would never have the confidence to show my scars and active flare ups, which is why I don't have certain clothes in my wardrobe."

Outer appearance, inner struggles

My heart breaks as a little girl who had once felt lost, unattractive, and unlovable because of her outer appearance. I am here to scream to the world - there is always going to be someone to tear you down. This is a truth no matter what you look like or if you have HS or not. You must be unbreakable!

I was watching a kid's movie at 2 am because that is what I do when I can't sleep. The movie, Ugly Dolls, includes a song that changed my life and inspired this article. The specific lyrics were, "Open up their eyes, force ′em all to see. Let 'em know you are and you′ll always be unbreakable... There's always gonna be someone calling you second best. ...Open up their minds." I was sobbing on the inside; I'm not much for outward emotion.

Photoshopping the truth

How often do we sell ourselves short or count ourselves out? We need to be our own biggest champions and not our biggest critics. I am here to give you the permission you deny yourselves to be your truest authentic selves. I think back to roles I didn't submit to because they called for bathing suits, and I didn't want anyone to see my underarms, or to this very day, I don't post on my Instagram about my skin disease because that is where casting directors and photographers look when booking.

I wanted the impression of flawless beauty. I wanted to fit the mold, but I didn't. I broke the mold and I need to embrace all parts of me more fully. I still don't know if my HS disease will exclude me from some jobs because it is not the perception of beauty most brands would want to show. It is not the inspiration for achieving the unachievable they want.

However, I will push beyond the standard of the flawless person selling skincare or the perfect girl in the bathing suit. I will be the one in swimwear, arms up, legs up, HS scars and all. I am Crystal Moore, and I am here to open their eyes and minds. I hope you join me and push the current standard to allow "flaws." We will not photoshop the truth.