Living With Hidradenitis Suppurativa, Am I Desirable?
Last updated: March 2023
What is desirability, and what makes us think we need to be desirable to others? Is it instinct? Is it our need to mate and find a partner? What is it, and how did it become about presenting ourselves as seemingly perfect?
Desirability is a noun meaning "the quality of being desirable." Desirable is an adjective meaning "wanted or wished for as an attractive, useful, or necessary course of action." What everyone wants, wishes for, and finds attractive is subjective, not objective.
In my quest to understand politics, I've had to deconstruct my beliefs to adopt an open point of view. I've had to examine what I find desirable and why? Does it align with what makes me feel good? Did I unknowingly or knowingly accept these viewpoints?
Denying myself for the comfort of others
Just because the media says we have to be a particular way doesn't mean we have to embody that. That's one group of society. This dominant group can feel like a majority. Still, it's not the only perspective that exists, which means that we can gravitate toward the communities and the people that want us around.
As a hidradenitis suppurativa patient, it is challenging to differentiate between my actual beliefs and my projections. American society does an abysmal job of caring for Black women with disabilities, so I spend a lot of time denying that I am any of these things so that I don't put myself in harm's way.
Running provides a sense of relief at the moment. But it can inflict additional pain because we aren't processing how we genuinely feel. That's because, in the process, I am actively denying myself for the comfort of others.
Removing myself from negative spaces
I've started to remove myself from environments that try to pick me apart. I no longer hang with people as shallow as a plastic kiddie pool. My perception of beauty goes beyond the physical. The outer canvas rarely indicates what's on the inside. So, I'd instead get my heart and my head together and worry about the rest later.
That doesn't mean I don't have issues with insecurity. It means I am actively working through it rather than acting like it's not a problem. I struggle with trying to make myself desirable all of the time. I think because I have significant scar tissue and open wounds on my groin and between my buttocks.
These imperfections make me feel like I'm not a woman. They make me feel like no one will love me or accept me for my identity. They make me feel like I need to know the plastic surgeons and the procedures I would want if I had the money to make any changes. To me, it's all spiritual warfare.
This earthly chatter means to take you out of your divine design. God knew what and who I was going to be, and to some level, so did i. So, maybe the issue isn't my body. It's the way I view it.
I'm beginning to surround myself with people who reflect who I am. I know that if they can find earth-shattering love and radical acceptance, I can, too, regardless of the content on social media.
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