Have You Thought About A Roommate?

I’m a month away from turning 48, and I think I can safely say that I have done more than the average person in my lifetime. I moved out when I was 16 to attend and live on campus at this public high school for the arts (think “Fame”). I road tripped around the U.S. when I was 21 to pick a new place to live, and stayed in New Mexico when I ran out of money. Not too soon after that I started crewing for a hot air balloon. And over the years, I have been able to visit friends in Europe on various trips. When I became disabled, I looked back and said hey, I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. If I have to slow down, it’s okay. But I also feel like a grown-up and therefore should be allowed the dignity of keeping my own space. I swear I can handle the responsibility. But the universe is all upside down and backwards right now and the economy is taking a beating. It’s almost impossible to find an affordable apartment.

Finding housing as a single person is hard!

When I mention how difficult it is to find housing as a single person in a sunbelt state (i.e.: California, Arizona, Texas, Florida, etc.), the first question I get is, “Have you thought about a roommate?” Well, of course I have. I have moved 25 times in 28 years. I have lived by myself, lived with strangers, lived with boyfriends, lived with friends, and lived with friends who have had children. I developed HS about 12 years ago, which means 2 boyfriends, 3 roommates, 1 house and 7 apartments past.

Let’s think of some issues that come up for those of us who have hidradenitis suppurativa (and some also have the added issue of being disabled). First, so what if I pay the bills on time or early? No one wants a roommate who is home all the time. And I mean, all the time. Sure, I leave for doctor appointments. I’m quiet and everything, but I sing when I have anxiety, and lucky you, roomie, I have a decent singing voice. But you are sick of my singing and why don’t I wash the dishes every single day and you wish I would just leave for like 5 days so you wouldn’t have to see my face and... well, you get the idea.

Sharing a laundry room and bathroom is hard

Second, I’m a little bit of a laundry hog. I use the washing machine all the time. No, I really don’t think you should wash your stuff with my stuff. I mean, supposedly everything is getting clean, but I don’t think you are going to be enthusiastic about what’s happening and want to participate, even with just your laundry. It really gives me anxiety if you actually see evidence on, say, my sheets, and I have to explain my condition and hope that you don’t go green around the gills.

The listings that indicate that a bathroom is shared make me immediately cross them off. The idea of having to share a bathroom cause heart palpitations. The shower isn’t safe, the tub isn’t safe, the sink isn’t safe, the toilet isn’t safe... every surface has been part of the battle. We are constantly cleaning after an HS explosion. But we also have to take time to bandage up and supplement our clothing with pads. What if someone needs to use our shared bathroom? Also, our bandages and pads take up a lot of space. What if we don’t have enough real estate allotted to us in the bathroom?

What if my roommate isn't discrete?

Sometimes I’m up at all hours of the night. Maybe something erupted during the night and I have to clean up, which includes jumping in the shower, replacing all of my bandages, removing my sheets and putting on a new set, and checking the mattress to see if anything went into the fabric. I rarely have to go to the bathroom overnight, so it’s not that. Sometimes I am battling anxiety, something I never had before, but it seems to travel with depression (also something I never had before). If I acquire a roommate, I will never be able to get up and roam at 3 am for fear of waking them too.

Last and saddest to consider, what if your roommate finds out all of these things and doesn’t choose to be discrete about your medical condition? Most of us who have HS may tell a few people, but tend to stay quiet about it and not openly discuss it in public. It’s difficult to reconcile someone else revealing personal info that was originally shared as confidential. Who benefits from that? If that roommate started out as a friend, there is no guarantee that you will remain friends, especially after that happens.

In answer to that question, yes, I have thought of getting a roommate or becoming a roommate. The rest of that answer is that it’s complicated, but I feel like I should have a bathroom and a whole apartment to myself. So... have you thought about a roommate?