How Chronic Boils Taught Me To Live Guilt-Free (Part 3)

In case you missed it, check out Parts 1 and 2 of this series!

In learning to accept that my journey with HS is in fact not my fault, I had to learn to release obstructive behaviors that subconsciously placed the blame on me. I have found that it can be exceedingly difficult when in the midst of an intense flare to reject thoughts like, “this is what I deserve because I chose to eat that sugar” or “I knew this flare would happen when I decided to sit outside in the heat.” I have learned that these thoughts are damaging to my self-concept and that they only further promote detachment in my relationship with my disease.

Furthermore, the physical toll of living in daily pain and the emotional ramifications of seeing the scars that are left behind can be reason enough to refuse to accept the fact that HS has changed my life. That coupled with intense feelings of social isolation and sadness as a result of having the disease have been enlightening in helping me to understand the negative impact that guilt can have while healing from my open wounds.

Understanding the stages of guilt

In my womanhood, I have grown to understand the stages of my guilt and how the power of community can help me to embrace acceptance. I now know, that the time I spent giving power to my irrational thoughts of causing HS, should have been moments spent affirming my feelings. I now acknowledge that sometimes as people we tend to internalize guilt in the absence of logic by placing the blame on ourselves in an attempt to validate the pain.

When I examine my younger self, I recognize that I did not need a hero who had all the answers, instead, I needed someone to help me release the guilt and to learn to cope with a newfound enemy. In a world that views strength and perseverance in high regard, I am reminded that breaking down walls often creates space for increased blessings to flow in.

Opening the door to receiving more love

By sharing my fight with HS, I have opened the door to receiving more love, more understanding, and more assistance in my battle with guilt. I now welcome conversations surrounding what life is like while living with HS and what fears I still hold pertaining to my disease progression. I welcome a listening ear when I want to vent about the routine of changing bandages and waking up to bed sheets that are spotted in blood. I welcome lingering affection that lets me know how much I matter in this infinite universe where we all deal with our own heavy loads.

Most of all, I welcome meaningful interactions with others on my lowest days that remind me to dismiss the feelings of guilt and to unapologetically choose to stand in acceptance.

HS caused me to be the person I am today

While I don’t live completely guilt-free all of the time, I feel confident in knowing that living with HS is another profound chapter in my life story. I now understand that I did not cause my body to be ravaged by this disease, but that it is because of this disease that I am the person I am today. I live guilt-free in knowing that the current version of me is inspired by my younger self that still endured as I lived through the various stages of guilt and caved to irrational thoughts about my HS.

I share my story about living with HS for the little scared girl that still lives inside of me. I will continue to use my voice to advocate for HS awareness because our experience deserves recognition too. For all of the Hidradenitis Suppurativa warriors out there, this one is for you.