Why Me? (Food Edition)
Lately, I've found myself grieving my past life reminiscing over what was from food to relationships to a sense of comfort in my own body. The food restrictions I've decided to implement in my life have bummed me out because I love food. Like, loooove food!
This year alone I've adopted the AIP diet (autoimmune protocol diet) which is one of the most restrictive anti-inflammatory diets out there. It's so bad, that I find myself binge-watching videos of people enjoying the foods I no longer can have. It's only creepy if you think it is.
Choosing between temporary pleasure or a flare
Some of the foods I used to enjoy but cannot anymore are legumes, nightshades, alcohol, white sugar, spices, grains (oh my, the grains!), and bread. I used to eat bread instead of a meal so I understand why my body just said, enough already! The truth is, that eating these foods often means choosing between temporary pleasure and a flare that will more than likely debilitate me. Realizing this just rains on my food parade. I don't really like that.
What has helped me stay away from my triggers is remembering what happens when I indulge. Do I want to leak pus for a year or do I want to eat this anti-inflammatory meal? For me, the choice is very obvious, but still very painful. This is coming from a woman who used to eat an entire pizza, cinnamon sticks, wings, and fries by herself in one sitting. Yes, that was one meal, and no I'm not ashamed. I liked to eat because it brought me happiness.
My only saving grace now is that I've found foods, snacks, and other items that I can indulge in but don't cause my body harm when consumed in moderation. I do hope to one day get back to being able to eat some of the foods that I loved, especially nuts and tree nuts. However, until then, I am okay with what I'm doing because it's literally saving my life. I will complain my way through it though and express gratitude at the same time.
Different emotions can co-exist
Now that I am incorporating the AIP lifestyle, I refer to my Pinterest board to gather some ideas on recipes I might enjoy. My therapist and I have been working on understanding emotions can indeed co-exist. I can feel disdain towards having to do something while also finding joy in it as well. The point isn't to ignore the "bad" feelings we have but to accept them as additional parts of ourselves. Yes, I would love a slab of ribs or some bang bang shrimp with as many nightshades as you can throw on it but in reality if I eat those things my body won't be able to function as it should.
Living with a chronic illness can be infuriating. I constantly covet what others have and are able to do compared to my own ability. Asking 'why me' is not a self-loathing question, but one to really use to pinpoint why I feel like I am suffering. It also helps me to identify my power in a situation.
In your experience, have you ever asked the universe, God, or even yourself, why me?
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